March 8: That Feeling

:'c

March 7

Staring at you paints a smile in my face. You may not know it but I always long for your presence. I may not show it but my heart and mind shouts your name. Much as I want to tell the whole world who you really are, like how I did with my past loves, I am not ready yet.

There is still this fear within me.

There is still this hesitation present in me.

There is still insecurity.

I hope it gets easy to tell you how I really like you. We may talk of different things in different timeframes, still I can't talk of this feeling I have for you.

It sucks, you know. :-/

February 29

I know you can't be mine, but yeah, I really don't know really where this is going. Somewhere in my heart, there's this slightest tinge of hope that you will have a change of heart. Distant it may seem, but I still feel that everything between the two of us is within reach.

You're special. You're really very special. If you only knew how much I like you, how much I want to be closer to you, how much I want to spend more time with you, I'd be more than willing to give things like these a chance. I really do not know how this all began. I just woke up realizing that I met a special person years ago. Funny how someone like you surprisingly occupied a slot there, there in that place where no one ever places with ease.

It's your smile. Yes your smile. I always think of your smile. And yes, your scent, your beautiful hair, your beautiful face. For now, I really do not know how I am going to beat around the bush. Confused, I am. I think this is impossible, but I'll be giving this some chance, anyway.

I hope you'd know how much I want you to be around me so you could stay with me, or leave me so I'd wake from this dream. I've been dreaming about you and it hurts knowing that you're beside me yet you're still far away. :c And yes, my heart's a mess. I think it's evident in my inconsistent and non-well-transitioned points.

Pick apart
The pieces of your heart
And let me peer inside
Let me in
Where only your thoughts have been
Let me occupy your mind
As you do mine

Just a Song

Sara Bareilles is not your usual artist. You don't hear her often in the radio or see her in television. Her greatest hit was Love Song, a catchy piano-based song with very beautiful tune. I was once hooked with that song, but no longer for now. Now, here's Sara Bareilles' less-known song, Gravity.

I really do not know why I got so addicted with this song. I never grew tired listening to it. It's been playing in my playlist for two years already, but it still managed to survive my inconsistent and ever-changing taste. There must be some truth to the lyrics, perhaps, as every time Sara utters the first word, my mind is blown and my heart is sank. And yes, it happens all the time.

I don't want to sound emotional as I write (and you read) this blog, so I'm ending this post for now. For the next post, I'll be posting a story about how my life was when I realized I was in love.

Set me free, leave me beI don't wanna fall another moment into your gravityHere I am and I stand so tallI'm just the way I'm supposed to beBut you're on to me and all over me

Inconsistency

This has been quite my problem all the time. For a moment, I want to work on something, work really hard for it. The next minute I'll just stare at it, and it will stay that way the whole day. Or whole week. Worse, months or so. My love life isn't an exemption. Even blogging. Even my love for my work. I can't stay in one place and sit there the whole time. I have to be mobile, but I also get tired and get rest at times. I have the great push to manage my time. I don't mind deadlines. I don't mind expectations. I don't mind anything that seriously at all. Everything, I just let it pass.

However, the past few days, I feel so lonely. I'm not as happy as what I was the moment that I was still hoping that there can be chance between you and me. You told me I was inconsistent. I am. The moment I came to my senses, I told myself to no longer have a slightest hope from you. Yeah right. I mean, yeah, right.

Yesterday was the Valentine's. Last year, I had you as mine. We sang a

birthday song, remember? Nah. I'm talking sh*t again. You won't read this anyway. I really just don;t know what I am feeling right now.

Help. I need someone to talk with.