March 8: That Feeling

:'c

March 7

Staring at you paints a smile in my face. You may not know it but I always long for your presence. I may not show it but my heart and mind shouts your name. Much as I want to tell the whole world who you really are, like how I did with my past loves, I am not ready yet.

There is still this fear within me.

There is still this hesitation present in me.

There is still insecurity.

I hope it gets easy to tell you how I really like you. We may talk of different things in different timeframes, still I can't talk of this feeling I have for you.

It sucks, you know. :-/

February 29

I know you can't be mine, but yeah, I really don't know really where this is going. Somewhere in my heart, there's this slightest tinge of hope that you will have a change of heart. Distant it may seem, but I still feel that everything between the two of us is within reach.

You're special. You're really very special. If you only knew how much I like you, how much I want to be closer to you, how much I want to spend more time with you, I'd be more than willing to give things like these a chance. I really do not know how this all began. I just woke up realizing that I met a special person years ago. Funny how someone like you surprisingly occupied a slot there, there in that place where no one ever places with ease.

It's your smile. Yes your smile. I always think of your smile. And yes, your scent, your beautiful hair, your beautiful face. For now, I really do not know how I am going to beat around the bush. Confused, I am. I think this is impossible, but I'll be giving this some chance, anyway.

I hope you'd know how much I want you to be around me so you could stay with me, or leave me so I'd wake from this dream. I've been dreaming about you and it hurts knowing that you're beside me yet you're still far away. :c And yes, my heart's a mess. I think it's evident in my inconsistent and non-well-transitioned points.

Pick apart
The pieces of your heart
And let me peer inside
Let me in
Where only your thoughts have been
Let me occupy your mind
As you do mine

Just a Song

Sara Bareilles is not your usual artist. You don't hear her often in the radio or see her in television. Her greatest hit was Love Song, a catchy piano-based song with very beautiful tune. I was once hooked with that song, but no longer for now. Now, here's Sara Bareilles' less-known song, Gravity.

I really do not know why I got so addicted with this song. I never grew tired listening to it. It's been playing in my playlist for two years already, but it still managed to survive my inconsistent and ever-changing taste. There must be some truth to the lyrics, perhaps, as every time Sara utters the first word, my mind is blown and my heart is sank. And yes, it happens all the time.

I don't want to sound emotional as I write (and you read) this blog, so I'm ending this post for now. For the next post, I'll be posting a story about how my life was when I realized I was in love.

Set me free, leave me beI don't wanna fall another moment into your gravityHere I am and I stand so tallI'm just the way I'm supposed to beBut you're on to me and all over me

Inconsistency

This has been quite my problem all the time. For a moment, I want to work on something, work really hard for it. The next minute I'll just stare at it, and it will stay that way the whole day. Or whole week. Worse, months or so. My love life isn't an exemption. Even blogging. Even my love for my work. I can't stay in one place and sit there the whole time. I have to be mobile, but I also get tired and get rest at times. I have the great push to manage my time. I don't mind deadlines. I don't mind expectations. I don't mind anything that seriously at all. Everything, I just let it pass.

However, the past few days, I feel so lonely. I'm not as happy as what I was the moment that I was still hoping that there can be chance between you and me. You told me I was inconsistent. I am. The moment I came to my senses, I told myself to no longer have a slightest hope from you. Yeah right. I mean, yeah, right.

Yesterday was the Valentine's. Last year, I had you as mine. We sang a

birthday song, remember? Nah. I'm talking sh*t again. You won't read this anyway. I really just don;t know what I am feeling right now.

Help. I need someone to talk with.

When I die, then I die loving you

Last Wednesday, I was tasked to go to a place unknown to me, or at least a place I've never been to. I went to Tuburan without any knowledge about the place--how to get there, how it is there, how the people live there, how the road is paved, etc. Point is, 'twas the first time that I've heard of such place and I took it a challenge to go there, not to get lost but to somewhat listen, explore and witness stories, and create adventure.

It was never an upset. Waking up early was the first challenge I had. (HAHA) You see, I had my alarm set at 6:30 so I could have my trip earlier, ergo earlier task done. I woke an hour (and seven minutes) after, though. The next challenge was to figure out how to get to the place without getting lost, or getting a safe transport to and fro. I went to the North Bus Terminal, and was startled by the sizes of the buses that routes to Tuburan. They were small, crunk-y and non-reliable-according-to-its-face-value buses (di masaligan), so I went on asking some konduktor to tell me the safest way possible to get to the place.

Hurriedly, I jumped into a Ceres Liner Jagnaya route, then dropped at Eskina Nogo where I have to take another bus going to Tuburan. I had to take another bus (which was huot and very small btw) to Tuburan, and had to finish some interviews with Municipal Officials and Personnel. Tasked done, and presto, I'm ready to take my way home.

While waiting for my V-Hire to go, I sat in terminal just beside a couple around their seventies or eighties. They were sitting there, as if waiting for someone to come, with their hands holding each other's. They were talking to each other, laughing at times, arguing at times, but you could see that were all smiles all the time. They sat there for almost an hour, and I just stared at them happily as they share stories that I even barely hear.

In the looks of their faces, I could say that they are not well-endowed. The woman wore a normal saya up to her feet and a polo shirt, while the man wore a pair of striped jeans and a long-sleeved top tucked in, perfected with a muddy high-cut leather shoes. They were living poorly, but by the look in their eyes, you could say that they were contented with each other's company.

Almost an hour passed, and they went their way. The man had trouble going 2 steps down (the terminal is elevated two steps up) so the woman came to rescue, telling her husband to hurry, as if angry, but never minded to help him anyway. They walked their ways, and I told myself that rarely will I see that scene again, or that will be the last time that I'll be seeing that and such a couple again. I smiled at the sight of them, and it reminded me a song from Yellowcard entitled Dear Bobbie (the video is below.) Click here for lyrics.

Forty-five minutes later, we departed from Tuburan via Trans-Central Highway Route. Just thirty minutes immediately after we went, I saw the same old couple walking all their way to the fields of Tuburan. I thought they were having the jeepney from transport. I was wrong. They were walking from the terminal up to that point where I saw them. They looked weary and tired from walking.

They were poor. They had no money to take the jeep or bus. They were weary.They were tired. But nevertheless, they had each other. :)

A Mother's Love: Timeless

Three nights ago, I found myself staring at a mother with her high school daughter. I really found it weird (and absurd) that a grownup still has to be fetched from school by her mum who seemed to be tired of doing daily household chores for the family (imagine a typical Filipino labandera). The mum seemed to be enjoying the routine as she fondled through the hair of her daughter in the whole duration of the ride. I thought, maybe, this mum is just overprotective and non-trusting of her daughter, which comes pretty the reason why she still needed to fetch her daughter.

Not too soon, the daughter shouted, "Lugar lang." She bid goodbyes to her classmates and friends who were with them in the jeep. Of course, I was still there, staring and waiting for them to depart from the jeep. Her mum went down first, but her daughter seemed no to follow her. She just sat there, as if waiting for something to happen. I wondered why. Suddenly, the mother reached out her hand, her daughter got it, and as she stood I noticed that the student is limping as if she had fallen and had her bones broken. She had difficulty going down, but her mother was there, all the way, to help her do the act. The mother even carried her under her arms as if she was a young child until she got her feet in the ground. The student still limped, not being able to walk properly, with her arms around the arms of her mother.

Later did I realize that the student has been experiencing Polio, a non-curable disorder characterized by paralysis and immobility of some of nervous reflexes. I asked another student beside me (who was a friend of that polio child) about the mother and daughter, and she said that the mum have been around her daughter since childhood, not failing to fetch her every day just to be sure that her daughter gets an education.

I was startled. I was judging through the cover of the book. I asked myself, "If I become a parent, will I have the same patience as this mother have?" The thought seemed to upset me, but the very sight of the mother and daughter that day really made me smile, not to mention a little bit teary-eyed.

As the jeep accelerated, I looked back. I saw them crossing the road, with the daughter's arms around her mother's, and the two smiling as if they are really lucky to have each other.